I feel extremely lonely. I don’t really know why. I was lonely my whole life. I know how to deal with it. These days, however, it overflows. I want to cry at random moments. I see people love each other in movies and I feel longing.

I have started to not care about others. I feel like I’ve cared enough. I have been working for a fortnight now, non-stop. Evenings, weekends, all the time. This has reduced the programme to a sludge. Yes, I can go out for a few hours in the morning, and I can stop work to get a quick nap, but it’s restless and most of the days are so hectic I can’t even make a break. Sometimes shit is so storming it takes me an hour from the time I say “I will get up from the computer” to the time I actually get up, frustrated, when I can’t take the hunger, or the need to go to the toilet, any longer.

At least I’ve managed to keep my eating and cleaning habits, up to a point. The cleaning has taken a small hit, I should have mopped the floor yesterday and I didn’t do it today either. I’m going to do it tomorrow, hopefully, along with some stretching. Yeah exercise is okay too. I think that keeping these up in these trying times (and I know that sounds cliché but they fucking are) is extremely important. It’s what I couldn’t do in the past and these hard periods became nightmares that I couldn’t wake up from unless I had a long vacation. There’s no long vacation in the horizon, so I need to be able to recover quickly.

But let’s get back to the caring thing: I feel I’ve been caring about others more than anybody ever cared about me. I need my space and my time but I also need company, and friends and somebody to lean on. There wasn’t anybody ever. I was always the one to be leaned upon. So much they started asking me for it when I was too weak to do it, instead of recognizing the weakness and give something back.

I don’t know if I’ve never communicated any needs, because maybe all this metal and screws hide everything well enough unless it overflows with rage and explodes upon everything. Yeah, I can appreciate the fact that those two kept talking to me after those explosions.

And yes, at this point M. is the most solid person, the closest I have to maybe lean on. But he’s oblivious to many of the things happening to me and we can’t communicate in the level I need to. We never could. I remember myself complaining about that since junior high.

I don’t know what is happening to me. I’m changing incredibly fast but I’m staying the same as well. I want to live things past and I was afraid that when I do live them again I will be disappointed because maybe it’s the thrill that I want to live and not the experiences themselves. That I have grown and I want different things. It’s not like that, because the few things I did manage to live that looked like the past were immensely exciting.

I know I’m an interesting person. I get that a lot. I am being approached and I am usually called again to do things. Yet I have this unshakable feeling that I will be forever alone. That I will have to live with my unbearable self 50 more years, until I can’t take it anymore and go mad, or give up.

I also know now that I’m less inclined to get so stuck when I have feelings for someone. I actually feel good saying things I feel to other people. But then again, that unshakeable feeling.

I haven’t managed to manage my sleep however, after all these years. This loneliness keeps me awake a few more minutes, wanting to write something to publish it to communicate it to strangers in the hope that someone will answer.

And then it’s her: My very own Mona Sax. As another Max Payne, I want many things but most of all I want her. But she is there only as a ghost. I can’t touch her. And she haunts me.

What there is between me and her is magical. It’s immensely strong and yet not strong enough. And there lies it’s power. I don’t think it’s ever going to completely go away. Yeah, 70yo me won’t be the same, but I think it’s going to be closer to what I am now than what I am now is to 15 years ago. And if there’s an indication of something that’s still there, I have some letters to show you.

I can only push forward. Grind my teeth, harness all the emotion wrangling power I have been building all those years and put it now to work exactly where I want it. I need to push through 3 more weeks. And then the quarantine will be over and I’ll take a long weekend to reflect. And barbecue in the sun, and drink however much beer I want. Fuck yeah! (yeah, I’ll still be alone, but at least I’ll be relaxed)

(is that worth dreaming of?)

Fuck I can’t even finish with a happy note. I’m going to bed.